sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
