Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
