im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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