She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize
