hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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