Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
