She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
