I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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