My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
