The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
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