My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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