My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
