you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
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