I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
