No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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