Jerry, you need to find god
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
