I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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