I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Randomize
