Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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