did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
