i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
