Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
