I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
