god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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