What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize