Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
We need to get me chipped asap
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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