Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Randomize
