Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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