i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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