This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
