i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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