the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
