So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
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