Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
