Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
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