I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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