I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
