Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize