I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
