this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
They are going to name an STD after you.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
