im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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