Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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