P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize