I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
