omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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