i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
