I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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