Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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