Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
if i can run in heels then i can drive
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
