Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
