thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
