Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I think a kid would responsible me up
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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