but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
