He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
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