Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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